Wife, Woman, Friend – Part 1

teremity

I guess I shouldn’t be surprised that my beginning was his end; after all, we were just friends. Although in my world, I was his girl, so I would pretend to be his wife, saying shit like, ‘Its only so many years in a woman’s life’, right, so I gave him 3. Yet he had the Audacity to step to me with this Donnell Jones I don’t know where I want to be type of shit??!!!!

Yo, it wasn’t supposed to be like this!! He hit me with the forehead kiss and told me that life was a journey and he was ready to explore this shit. And I was pissed. To me he was a hypocrite, like a fake preacher in the pulpit and he left me sick. And no he didn’t choose me, that doesn’t make him right or wrong. And just because he was the epitome of…

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My First Time…

Being all my life incredibly proud about the fact that I “THOUGHT” I was immune to have any feelings towards anyone or being for me even remotely possible to be swept by my feet. Feelings like love, or even lust are so foreign. So you can guess it was incredibly difficult for me to tell if I was having a heart attack, a hot flash, butterflies or I’m coming down with a stomach virus. I’m not sure what it is. I cant say what is so different about him that would prompt my first-ever normal bio-logical response to another person. However, I’m not sure I’ve never seen anyone so incredibly like him before.

That one night, I spent all my evening in the library trying my hardest to focus so I can construct a grammatically correct sentence, I came to the conclusion that my failed attempts to actually effectively study was the lack of caffeine in my body. I got a text from Holder saying he was in the restaurant opposing my house and I should come by if I feel like it, to say the least. So of course, I thought it wouldn’t hurt to pass by and see him(and his friend) and get me a cup of much needed coffee. I was disturbed, to say the least, something about that look. There was something so disturbing about the way he looked at me. It was uncomfortable, embarrassing, and somehow flattering all at once. I’m not used to having these sorts of reactions at all, much less more than one at a time. “How is school?”. His voice without a doubt directed at me now. I still cant distinguish between butterflies or a stomach virus, but either way I’m not fond of the way that voice penetrates right to the pit of my stomach. I stiffen and slowly turn around, all of a sudden aware that I’m nowhere near as confident as my past would lead me to believe.

Now that I have a closer look at him, it’s apparent that stomach virus isn’t the root of the sudden stomach issues at all, its simply him.

Everything about him causes my lungs to fail and my heart to go in overdrive. Somehow, in the course of 2 months, this guy has managed to swoon me, then terrify the hell out of me. The mixed reaction is not good for my caffeine-deprived body.

The problem is, his multitude of reactions confuses the hell out of me. He seems close to disgusted by my presence one minute, to practically running me down the next. I’m usually pretty good at reading people, if I had to make an assumption about Holder based on the last three months alone. I’d have to say he suffers from split personality disorder. His sudden shifts between flippant and intense are unnerving.

There is something about him being in the same room as I am that gives me a sudden urge to flee the scene. So I can let out a huge breath, because whenever I am around him I unnoticeably hold my breath, scared any wrong move would break me in half. Whatever he does, I need to walk away and regain my bearings.

So of course, after having my cup of coffee and 15 missed calls from my grandma, it was the time for me to escape. Thinking, the only thing coming out of the whole thing that now I’m not broken or heart ache.

God Knows I’m no Saint.


God knows I’m no saint. Isn’t it funny how you think of how fragile someone can be that they only can take certain amount of your fuck ups and shits. Damned if I do and damned if don’t.

When you have someone that you care about, love and cherish. But you know no matter how they loved you back or respected you they can only take a certain amount of your shits and fucks up, you know they are so fragile and vulnerable, everytime you set close to them and talk about whatever you find out more and more on how they cant handle whatever you are hiding and you are wondering why you are lonely and so insecure and you are not sure about nothing. All you are looking for is acceptance and love. But you know that you have some fucked up shit that should be locked deep down because it can make anyone no matter how strong they are to hell. Now I get why I don’t care about what others do, now I get why I really cant relate to judgmental people. Now I can understand why I really don’t have any opinion about anything that isn’t about me or doesn’t interfere with me. Because I know people can have their reasons, and it would be very convincing for you too if you had to go whatever they have gone through, you have to accept others with all their faults, because no matter how good you are as person, God knows you are no saint.

Stand up And Speak

The body doesn’t know the difference between nerves and excitement, panic and doubt, the begging and the end.The body just tells you to get the hell out. Sometimes you ignore it, that’s the reasonable thing to do, but sometimes you listen. You’re supposed to trust you’re guts, right?

When your body says run.Run.

This cluster of freaking feelings and rush that runs through your blood vessels is extremely frightening, and exciting. This is exactly how I feel when I’m debating. When I was younger I was never allowed to explain myself whenever I have done something wrong. My parents never cared what I was thinking or why I did a certain thing, I never had a chance to explain myself and state whats happened. They felt it would be better if they just told me that what I have done was wrong, and they simply did not care why I did it. But they would look very disappointment at me and it just kills me inside,all I wanted was to erase that look from their faces and try to visualize what has happened with me and only when you do that, you will get my point. 

Debating attracted me ever since I was a child. I had the opportunity to explore others way of thinking and use their words against them wisely. I used to stutter and talk really fast, I hated it. I hated it so much because it was standing between me and joining my school’s debating team. So, I worked on myself really hard, started reading novels out loud so I can start speaking more clearly and to make sure that I am loud and clear.

Standing right there in front of people and having your time to speak with everyone paying attention to every word, argument, point of information, statement and fact you’re giving. Replying to people and stating facts and having your speech all ready. Trying your best to touch people and make them feel connected to understand what you’re saying and with some type of a magic force you get incredibly close to getting them to agree with you. 

forensics

Booty Calls without any strings

rayfornow

You know when the dessert tray comes around and we should say no because its not nutritious and its fattening, and you shouldn’t, but its just right there, and so beautifully made and it looks so good and you have had it before.So you know how delicious it is! And its just right there, so you have it. you have the desert. and its delicious, i mean its an amazing desert. for a moment, and then you feel tired and gassy and bloated and so guilty like you just erased all the exercise you have ever did and tomorrow morning you are going to wake up with zits all over your face and god is so disappointing of you, again.

This is exactly how I feel about my current relationship with this boy or god knows what it is but it is how it is.

I’m sure you would prefer your…

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Booty Calls without any strings

You know when the dessert tray comes around and we should say no because its not nutritious and its fattening, and you shouldn’t, but its just right there, and so beautifully made and it looks so good and you have had it before.So you know how delicious it is! And its just right there, so you have it. you have the desert. and its delicious, i mean its an amazing desert. for a moment, and then you feel tired and gassy and bloated and so guilty like you just erased all the exercise you have ever did and tomorrow morning you are going to wake up with zits all over your face and god is so disappointing of you, again.

This is exactly how I feel about my current relationship with this boy or god knows what it is but it is how it is.

I’m sure you would prefer your booty calls to be less complicated and void of feelings so please go seek them somewhere else because you’re bad for me, you say that you care but you never show me, you have never really asked unless I started the conversation and I literally had to drag every word from you. Its sad, that I feel this way about you. I like you a lot, and it hurts. It might be just lust. Because as far as I know love isn’t supposed to hurt, you feel stronger and grow fonder of the person you’re in love with. But lust just gives you instant and constant butterflies all the freaking time that it gets to the point that it hurts so much to like someone so much, sadly you know that they have no interest in you whatsoever. You might be hot and fearless and they see you that you but they just don’t care, they only do care when they feel lonely and maybe a little bit horny god knows what and you, you have the privilege to be listed as number one booty call on their phone. and you feel a bit happy inside that they texted you or called you once or twice and suddenly you forget all about their terrible deeds and what they have done to you and you just want to feel like you have someone. Someone that cares about you and really likes you for who you are.